that sucking sound

If I was a part of a river I would be the sucking gurgling drowning sound part that comes with a whirlpool.

I keep picturing myself at the bottom of the river in toilet bowl rapid on the N. Umpqua.  On the bottom, under the water it was perfectly quiet except for the gentle swishing sound my hair made going in circles.  I hung there for a moment not panicked, just thinking about the situation.  I knew I was fine, but I also knew what was happening above me.  I knew I had to go up and deal with it.

I stretched out my legs and felt the round rocks on the bottom and pushed myself up.  When I broke the surface the world exploded again. It was so loud. There were people screaming with laughter and a little fear, guides were yelling to be heard over the din, my own voice directing a kid to the safety of the bank, the splashing of my limbs propelling me forward into the madness.  The most vivid sound was the whirlpool I had just come out of.  The sound pulled at every noise around it demanding it journey down to the bottom of the river, where it would have to be quiet.

Resolute

New years is one of my favorite holidays. I love the idea of new years resolutions and starting over.  I normally make a serious resolution to floss and then a giant list of things to attempt and fail at the rest of the year.  This year I didn’t even resolve to floss, it seems like too much work.  My dentist is going to be so disappointed. It doesn’t mean I don’t still have things I want to resolve.  I think my resolution is to not set myself up for failure this year.  Wait until I can handle it. 

I don’t have resolutions but I have lists. Giant lists. Lists with sub-lists. I even signed up for an account on a website that is just designed to help you keep track of your lists but I didn’t write it down on my list of websites and logins so I don’t remember what it is. They now have paint that dries as a dry erase board. I have seriously considered painting my whole office room with this stuff. I think that would give me a good start at keeping track of the list.  Right now all the different lists just keep running like a stock market ticker across the inside of my forehead.

I see these lists every time I close my eyes.  It is running as the constant third thoughts in my brain.  The first thought is what I’m actively working on, the second thoughts are the radio or tv or background noise in the environment, the third thoughts are these lists. They lay like blankets of fine grey mesh over everything I do.  Trying to sleep, the list whispers. Trying to work, the list reminds me that I have other work to do. Trying to relax, the list screams “wasting time!” I feel like Sisyphus.

Not all of the lists are bad.  Some give me hope for the future. These are the lists that I know I am going to ignore for a long time.  Lists for my house, vacations I want to take, garden ideas, stuff that means I am living in a world where I have my own time again.

I just can’t do resolutions right now.